I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
