God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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