Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
