Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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