two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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