Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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