my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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