Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
