is your mom at the bar?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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