wrigley field is MILF paradise
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
