pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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