Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
