She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
