Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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