I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
