I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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