you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
