I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Found the puke drawer
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
