Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
