The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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