get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
