Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
