I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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