And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
