She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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