A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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