I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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