the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
