He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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