Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
