If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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