just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
