There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
