I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
