$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
