tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
this is an emotional support booty call
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
