i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Pooping to opera.
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