drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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