you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
