my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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