Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
