my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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