Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
