Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
