Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Even my vagina gasped.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
