normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
