You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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