Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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