all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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