i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
