I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
