i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
