there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
