Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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